Two Week Notice

I was thinking about all the jobs I have had and I am hoping to get a new one. One big thing came to mind. The two week notice, if you have ever had a job you probably know that the two week notice is how you quit. You say, "hey boss I'm outta here in two weeks." This gives them enough time to completely replace you with another mindless drone who needs money. I have done this about five times. However that's not the point. The point is I was thinking and you know what?

Why don't people who commit suicide do this? I mean there friends and family could get braced for the tragedy and they could ask to take shit before the person dies that why they don't need to argue over it. Plus it would make your last two weeks at Wal-Mart a lot more interesting. Maybe you need to go to the government and fill out your suicide papers before you declare your two weeks. Make them do it at the DMV. Don't worry the suicidal won't become homicidal because the last thing they will want to do, is to get there two week notice homicide papers filled out.

Suicide isn't the only thing this could work for though. What about rape. I think rape would be a lot more gentlemanly if we gave fair warning. You know, I mean rape is so barbaric. If we inject it with some bureaucracy it might be a bit more enjoyable for both parties. I mean the rapist has something to look forward to and maybe he will even bring flowers. The raped gets a chance to avoid the rape? I mean that's more classy than most sports! You could put that shit on TV. I imagine it would be a lot like other funny sitcoms. Instead of scrubs or how I met your mother. We could call it, how I met your mother in the shrubs.

Two week notices could be used in a variety of ways. If I think of any more I will post them here.

Names Part 1

Names are pretty universal if I say so my self. I mean we all have names, right? In all actuality by the time there was enough pf us to decide to speak Latin, we probably already all had names. I would find it weird to see some one speaking Latin but just referring to people by there traits. "Hey you fat, Asian kid with the red hair." Granted it might work if your that diverse, but could you imagine how it would have been in Spain? "Hey you with the black hair, tiny mustache who looks like Antonio Banderas! I need to speak to you!" You know so we came up with names. The first names were probably pretty generic, but no way as generic as they are today.

Lots of things bother me about names. We live in a country that sells baby name books, yet we still find a way to screw it up. A great example of this is girls names that end in Y:
Amy, Courtney, Jessy, Hayley, Kailey, Keely, Kelly, Ashley, Emily, Daisy, Brittany, Shelby, Shelly, Bethany, Jenny, Jody, McKenzy, Stacey, Abby, Gracey, Jamey, Lindsay, Missy, Brandy, Kiley, Tracey, Gabby, Lory, Vicky, Katy, Sally, Patty, Mary, Mindy, Mandy, Lucy, Darcy, Cory, Zoey, Melody, Holly, Ally, Polly, Molly, Chrissy, Cindy, Lilly, Becky, Josey, Cary, Casey, Lacy and Sunny. Just to name a few.

Don't we have Enough already! I mean damn! Do the Y's symbolize something? Like why they hell did we have a daughter?, or why the hell am I doing this, or maybe it means; why the hell did we buy the baby naming book, if we are just going to name the baby after someone we already knew?

Another sac full of unfulfilled dreams and sorrow. Are these girls names that are feelings. Hope and Faith. What the hell this about? Remember when names had symbolism? Well this method is just saying, "Fuck It." Besides that there is also Charity. Charity? Really, is that all you could come up with? Why not throw a dart, blind folded and in a mall. You will hit a store with a more creative name. "Well hun looks like were going to call our daughter Spencer." You know? I mean I just don't get it. Some people rationalize it by saying that they had those feeling when there daughter was born. So if I ever have twins I guess I'll name them suicidal and clinically depressed.

Also on the bracket of girls names so idiotic the parents should be confined into small cells and beaten by five year old kids with steroid addictions. Are these parents that feel they need to name there child after a season. You know like Summer and Autumn. I get Summer because when you think of the season, what kind of thoughts conjure in your mind? Well?, good things. Summer is when you have fun, go on vacation, visit relatives, enjoy being in that place between rooms called outside. What do you thing about when you think Autumn? That's right! Fall, what a sad season names. First of all, no one likes to Fall. It also reminds you of how fucking cold it is about to get. Temperatures are about to fall. However set Fall aside and think about it. What is Autumn? Autumn is when every thing dies! The trees, grass and flowers all wilt and die. If that isn't enough to discourage you, what about animals? All the animals leave for the winter or hibernate because they hate the season. So next time you consider Autumn as a name remember the message you will be sending to your new daughter which is: "Honey, We Love you so much that you remind us of everything around us dying or running away in sheer fear of seeing you."

P.S. This is getting pretty long so I think I will post boys names on a different post.
Keaton Dean Coleman