Back up and running...I think

Going to try to post more...or at all again. College and lack of gas money to go do comedy got in the way. Want to right more though. So check back soon.

Trees

I hate when people say that we can learn a lot from animals. Because animals are nice and aren't demanding. Bullshit! I think we can learn from trees. Think about. I mean trees aren't racist. When is the last time you saw two or three Pines beat the shit out of an Oak and try to hang him from a human? Sexist? Nope you will ever see a Red Wood chase down a Maple and fuck it in an alley. Another good thing we can learn from trees? Green Movement. We can learn to totally give up on the green movement. Trees don't even recycle. Apparently they can see through lies better than you an I. Also there are no homophobic trees. I have never seen that. I guess that's because trees don't give a shit. No tree tries to push an agenda... well with the exception of those used to make bibles and billboards, but I can't blame that on them. They were just innocent victims. Also there have never been any tree wars. You will never see the Apple Trees fence in the Ferns to burn them. Even if it would be a frightfully good way to commit genocide. So remember we can learn lessons from trees. Like not to kill, rape or commit genocide. If only those were common sense.

"Sin" Tax

Well if you smoke in Iowa or in the United States. You might be pissed at Sin tax by now. You have to pay more than six to seven dollars to buy a pack of cigarettes. It's not fair. I'm not a full time smoker and I am to cheap to buy a pack(back when they cost 2-5 dollars). I still cannot agree with these prices and here is my biggest argument against Sin taxes:

Well, what the hell is a sin? Well a sin is subjective. I mean I hate to say this, but Christianity is the most prevalent religion in the USA. In The Bible is says it's okay to own slaves. Why not make slaves legal and then tax the shit out of them. Most things in life that we consider a sin are illegal. Like murder. Murder is a sin right? Well fuck it they just go to jail and cost us money. I think it's about time we allow murder to be legal. You just need to buy a hunting license and go kill your self an ex-wife or maybe your annoying child. We tax the shit out of it and make some money off these people. There will be rules for murder though. At first restraints and bars will have murder and non-murder sections. It will be okay to murder in a hospital until we find out about the health risks. Then you will have to murder at least twenty yards from any building. Pretty soon the public will even criminalize murdering while in the car with a child. That might be a bit overboard, but we are making cigarettes a bit like a criminal act. It's just smoking. People die everyday from it, blah blah blah. We have gone way over the line with all the finger pointing. I mean cigarettes are getting the complete opposite treatment. During hard times they just keep getting shit on. Selling cigarettes now is like selling HIV. It's addictive like sex, but fuck. Also, what about sex? You know premarital sex is a sin. Lets tax the shit out of condoms. Make condom dispensers take only fifties. Also, lets talk about prostitution. Make it legal tax blow jobs, vaginal and anal sex. That way the government can make every paid for quickie a three way.

These are only a few of the things we could tax. But in an economy were millions of Americans can't find jobs because there at to many people. Maybe we should tax child birth and baby supplies? Not things that are lowering the population. That's my two cents worth.

Watchmen Review

Okay, I'm not going to bullshit about seeing this movie a week ago. It was like a month or so. I am also not going to lie about reading the graphic novel. It came out in 1986. I was minus four years old. So fuck you if you expect me to read it. So to continue on about the movie. I enjoyed it, end of review.

No, I can say more than that. The Watchmen movie surprised me. I thought I would enjoy it, but not as much as I did. I mean the movie was just awe inspiring. I mean this movie contains things you just will not see in other super hero movies; rape, generations of heroes, psychopaths, prison fights and a flying owl...thing. It also has super violence. You know how the jokers mouth was fucked up in the dark knight and that was fucked up. Yea this entire move is a smorgasbord of fucked up moments. ((glad I got to use smorgasbord)) However I won't talk about them. The characters were very interesting.

1. Rorschach or as I called him many times in the theater "OH SHIT!" Rorscach wears an ink blot mask. The ink blot test was invented by a doctor who's last name was Rorschach. Out of any character in the movie he is the most liked among the people I saw it with. Even though he is clearly an insane man with no limits. I think nearly every ten minutes of the movie, Rorschach did something so bad ass I had the urge to high five the twenty foot tall hero. That is a rare feeling I have only gotten from this movie and The Mask. Granted I was much younger when I saw The Mask. So far this year Rorschach is my favorite new movie character.

2. Nite Owl or as I called him "FAT PUSSY!" I get the character. He is suppose to be an old wash up that balances out the crazy antics of Rorscach. I just couldn't like him that much. I mean he plays second fiddle through out the movie. And is the only male with a sex scene. Which will surprise people who have heard about the glowing blue penis.

3. That would be Doctor Manhattan. Or as I called him, "Is that a glowing blue penis?" Thats all I have seen other reviewers and forums talk about. However, the character is a complex, god like hero. He is every one's savior and has a hard time dealing with it. Most of the heroes semi-despise him for varies reasons. He has a complex story that most can't understand and he battles with his intense emotions although most others can't even comprehend how he feels. Also he has a glowing blue penis.

4. The female lead is Silk Spectre. Or as I called her, "Annoying Whining Bitch." Why would I call her this? She whines the whole goddamn movie. About one thing and then another. I mean here she is in a perfect situation and she continuously bitches about it. Meanwhile others try to save the world and it just gets annoying towards the end of the movie. I realize that the fault lies with the story, but damn it!

5. The Comedian, or as I called him, "Awww what an asshole." How ever I loved the hero. I mean he is every anti hero rolled into one. He is the guy that just blew through anything in his path. You only see him in flash backs, but damn is he a dick. I wish I could say more, but I can't with out ruining plot points of the move. The very sight of him would make viewers of the movie cringe.

This is a movie with a great sound track. It is set in an alternative time line and has gore from beginning to end. This one is a no brainer.

9.7 smiley face lapels out of 10.7

Two Week Notice

I was thinking about all the jobs I have had and I am hoping to get a new one. One big thing came to mind. The two week notice, if you have ever had a job you probably know that the two week notice is how you quit. You say, "hey boss I'm outta here in two weeks." This gives them enough time to completely replace you with another mindless drone who needs money. I have done this about five times. However that's not the point. The point is I was thinking and you know what?

Why don't people who commit suicide do this? I mean there friends and family could get braced for the tragedy and they could ask to take shit before the person dies that why they don't need to argue over it. Plus it would make your last two weeks at Wal-Mart a lot more interesting. Maybe you need to go to the government and fill out your suicide papers before you declare your two weeks. Make them do it at the DMV. Don't worry the suicidal won't become homicidal because the last thing they will want to do, is to get there two week notice homicide papers filled out.

Suicide isn't the only thing this could work for though. What about rape. I think rape would be a lot more gentlemanly if we gave fair warning. You know, I mean rape is so barbaric. If we inject it with some bureaucracy it might be a bit more enjoyable for both parties. I mean the rapist has something to look forward to and maybe he will even bring flowers. The raped gets a chance to avoid the rape? I mean that's more classy than most sports! You could put that shit on TV. I imagine it would be a lot like other funny sitcoms. Instead of scrubs or how I met your mother. We could call it, how I met your mother in the shrubs.

Two week notices could be used in a variety of ways. If I think of any more I will post them here.

New and Improved

Blogging is something I have tried before on Myspace a few years ago. I have matured since then and have also improved my typing skills. So after numerous ways of trying to record my material by tape recording, notebooks and asking people who have seen my shows I felt I would start posting stuff here. I am not going to have a quota. So some weeks I may post six or seven jokes. Other weeks how ever I may post nothing. Also I will also be posting my thoughts on morality, religion and the current event that I often write jokes about, but feel most main stream audiences may not enjoy. I hope this works out. If not that's fine too. It will just act as my database.

Names Part 1

Names are pretty universal if I say so my self. I mean we all have names, right? In all actuality by the time there was enough pf us to decide to speak Latin, we probably already all had names. I would find it weird to see some one speaking Latin but just referring to people by there traits. "Hey you fat, Asian kid with the red hair." Granted it might work if your that diverse, but could you imagine how it would have been in Spain? "Hey you with the black hair, tiny mustache who looks like Antonio Banderas! I need to speak to you!" You know so we came up with names. The first names were probably pretty generic, but no way as generic as they are today.

Lots of things bother me about names. We live in a country that sells baby name books, yet we still find a way to screw it up. A great example of this is girls names that end in Y:
Amy, Courtney, Jessy, Hayley, Kailey, Keely, Kelly, Ashley, Emily, Daisy, Brittany, Shelby, Shelly, Bethany, Jenny, Jody, McKenzy, Stacey, Abby, Gracey, Jamey, Lindsay, Missy, Brandy, Kiley, Tracey, Gabby, Lory, Vicky, Katy, Sally, Patty, Mary, Mindy, Mandy, Lucy, Darcy, Cory, Zoey, Melody, Holly, Ally, Polly, Molly, Chrissy, Cindy, Lilly, Becky, Josey, Cary, Casey, Lacy and Sunny. Just to name a few.

Don't we have Enough already! I mean damn! Do the Y's symbolize something? Like why they hell did we have a daughter?, or why the hell am I doing this, or maybe it means; why the hell did we buy the baby naming book, if we are just going to name the baby after someone we already knew?

Another sac full of unfulfilled dreams and sorrow. Are these girls names that are feelings. Hope and Faith. What the hell this about? Remember when names had symbolism? Well this method is just saying, "Fuck It." Besides that there is also Charity. Charity? Really, is that all you could come up with? Why not throw a dart, blind folded and in a mall. You will hit a store with a more creative name. "Well hun looks like were going to call our daughter Spencer." You know? I mean I just don't get it. Some people rationalize it by saying that they had those feeling when there daughter was born. So if I ever have twins I guess I'll name them suicidal and clinically depressed.

Also on the bracket of girls names so idiotic the parents should be confined into small cells and beaten by five year old kids with steroid addictions. Are these parents that feel they need to name there child after a season. You know like Summer and Autumn. I get Summer because when you think of the season, what kind of thoughts conjure in your mind? Well?, good things. Summer is when you have fun, go on vacation, visit relatives, enjoy being in that place between rooms called outside. What do you thing about when you think Autumn? That's right! Fall, what a sad season names. First of all, no one likes to Fall. It also reminds you of how fucking cold it is about to get. Temperatures are about to fall. However set Fall aside and think about it. What is Autumn? Autumn is when every thing dies! The trees, grass and flowers all wilt and die. If that isn't enough to discourage you, what about animals? All the animals leave for the winter or hibernate because they hate the season. So next time you consider Autumn as a name remember the message you will be sending to your new daughter which is: "Honey, We Love you so much that you remind us of everything around us dying or running away in sheer fear of seeing you."

P.S. This is getting pretty long so I think I will post boys names on a different post.
Keaton Dean Coleman